Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Just Doing It All

I think I am one of those moms who "wants to do it all." I'm definitely not one to set New Year's Resolutions, but this past couple of weeks I keep telling myself all these things I need to do.

First, I've been thinking about getting back into running. Key word: thinking, and lots of it. Actual running time as of yet: ZERO. Back in the day, I was a runner. In high school, I ran cross country during the fall, track in the spring, and then for fun in the summer or as part of a training program for soccer. I ran in college for myself here and there. But once I got out into the "real" world, I quit. I gained about 50 pounds before I got started again. But, then, I had a mission. Mr. T proposed marriage and I had a gown to fit into. I ran and ran. Coupled with Weight Watchers, I lost the weight. Guess what happened after I got married?

I also want to write more. I write as a profession, and although I really enjoy it, it's not writing for ME. When I was in high school, my mom gave me some Nancy Drew mysteries that she had read when she was a young girl. Obviously, they were well below my reading abilities, but I read them anyway. I devoured them. I remember being draped over a white wicker chair in my room on a lazy day thinking: Someday, I'll write a novel. When is that going to happen? When is someday?

And, I SO want to live in a clean house. It's SO very messy. Actually, some rooms are clean, but cluttered. Others are cluttered and need a good scrubbing. For Christmas, Mr. T and I got a steam cleaner for the carpets and a Roomba. OH, how I LOVE our Roomba -- best invention ever. OK, maybe not ever. I guess the Roomba wouldn't have been possible without the WHEEL.

What's getting in my way of doing these things? I blame motherhood. I blame my part-time job. I blame Mr. T.

But I don't think any of those things are really the problem. I think it's me. I read something last night that rang true in my overloaded brain. It was a quote.

"In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's, few," said Shunryu Suzuki, author of "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind."

My mind is FULL of possibilities and dreams. I'm always picturing myself doing ALL these amazing things. (Hey, having my house clean would be amazing, trust me.) I can picture it in my head and I can practically feel the end result.

I'm a marathoner. A novelist with a bestseller. A clean and organized supermom.

But, then...

Once I actually get started -- and am no longer the beginner full of POSSIBILITIES -- I get bogged down by the actual work. Overwhelmed by the detail. I know I will fail. Sometimes I don't even get started because I know that I'll never stick with it (ahem, running).

I'm not sure if I will ever be able to kick this really bad habit. Perhaps if you all are watching me, I will be able to. Maybe I will log my process on this blog.

Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll make a really awesome graph and update it every day. People will hold me accountable and I will be able to be the marathoner/novelist/super-clean-and-organized woman I've always wanted to be.

First I gotta check Facebook, though, and then take a shower because, well, even if the house isn't clean, I should be. Then, T Junior will be awake so I'll just feed him real quick and then the dogs will have to go out to potty because we need to go to the store and then T Junior and I have to drop Lucy of with her handler for the dog show this weekend, and oh yeah, I have to get stuff ready for work tomorrow...do I have any clean socks?

Wish me luck!

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